So you have money to invest...

Here's your investment guide for 2009:

1. Theres a new weapon of mass destruction that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.

2. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

3. Whats the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

4. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped "insufficient funds" I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

New stock market terms:
1. CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
2. CFO - Chief Fraud Officer
3. Bull Market - a random market movement causing an investment banker to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. Bear Market - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance and the wife no jewellery.
5. Value Investing - the art of buying low and selling lower.
6. P/E Ratio - the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
7. Broker - what my broker has made me.
8. Stock Analyst - idiot who just downgraded your stock.
9. Financial Planner - a guy whose phone has been disconnected.
10. Market correction - the day after you buy stocks.
11. Yahoo - what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 a share.
12. Windows - what you jump out of when you are the sucker who bought Yahoo for $240 a share.
13. Institutional Investor - past year investor who should now be locked up in a nut house.
14. Profit - an archaic word no longer in use.